Quarantine Pitfalls: Relational Conflict
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?”
- James 4:1
Have you ever been in the middle of a conflict and realized you’re fuzzy on the details of why it began in the first place? Or, has someone close to you—a spouse, child, or roommate—said something that set you off for reasons that totally escape you?
Chances are, you can resonate with at least some version of those scenarios now that you’ve been hunkered down with the same people for the last seven weeks. (That’s 70,560 minutes, by the way… but who’s counting?)
There’s no better time to ask ourselves how to work through conflict in a Christ-centered way. How might God be glorified and our relationships with spouses, children, or roommates be built up during this season of sequester?
James’ diagnosis
The book of James gives us an exceptionally clear diagnosis of our situation as it comes to conflict. Opening up chapter 4, he poses the question to his readers point-blank: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” Thankfully, the Holy Spirit speaking through James gives us clarity, both on how to diagnose the cause of our quarreling, and address it with the gospel tools of repentance, prayer, and humility.
So, what does cause our fighting and squabbling? We get three overlapping answers in this passage: passions, prayerlessness, and pride. Let’s take a look at how these dynamics are at work in our lives and what God’s word has to teach us about overcoming them as God’s beloved children.
Passions
In direct response to his primary question, James tells his readers that their passions are at the root of their fighting. “Is it not this,” James asks, “that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder, you covet and you cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”
This reality is clear enough to see in our kids, isn’t it? I don’t have a solid number on this, but I’d estimate that upwards of 90 percent of conflicts between my young daughters have to do with warring passions and covetousness. Over dolls, stuffed animals, choosing a TV show—educational, of course—or even the “passion” to not be copied by a younger sister.
This deadly mix of passion and covetousness is exactly what we find in Genesis 4, when Cain’s passion to be recognized as a holy, approved worshipper is paired with his lethal covetousness of the approval Abel enjoyed.
Tragically, many marriages, families, and friendships are torpedoed by warring passions and covetousness. We’ll do well, then, when the moment comes and we’re tempted to speak an angry word or hide away just one smoldering coal of a grudge, to recognize sin for what it is, confess it to the Lord, and pray for new eyes to see the situation as He sees it.
Prayerlessness
But it’s not just unchecked passions and covetousness at the root of our conflict, it’s also prayerlessness. Consider the follow-up from James: “You do not have, because you do not ask.” The mere fact we’re passionate about something isn’t proof that we’re sinning. But the absence of prayer is a good indication.
Consider again the story of Cain and Abel. What Cain really wanted—his passion—was to have his offering accepted by God. Is there anything wrong with that? Of course not. But when God rejects Cain’s offering, He graciously offers Cain a warning:
The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” Genesis 4:6-7
Can you imagine how this story would have gone if Cain had responded in prayer? Instead, the very next words we find are not that Cain replied to the Lord, but rather, “Cain spoke to Abel his brother.”
Our Father is constantly beckoning us to prayer. In the midst of conflict, large or small, our Father deeply desires us to call on Him. When we do, we’ll find Him fully ready to answer and eager to help in our time of need.
Pride
Finally, James warns us against pride. When we’re caught up in a quarrel, it’s easy to find the faults in others, but nearly impossible to find them in ourselves. The reason for that shouldn’t be all that surprising to us—it’s a puffed-up view of the “almighty self.”
But along with wrecking our relationships, James urges us to consider a far more devastating effect of pride. It’s all-out opposition to the undefeatable King of Heaven. That’s not a fight you and I can win, but the good news that this same King rides out to us on the battlefield to offer us terms of peace.
But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you… Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you. James 4:6-8, 10
Praise God, He has not left us in our sin. He’s not left us bound up as slaves to our own passions, prayerlessness, and pride. We were once foolish, hapless, hopeless rebels against the King, but now through the work of Christ and the rebirth of His Spirit, we’re brought near as His very children.
During this time especially, let’s pray for ourselves and each other, that our Father would give us more grace to grasp His love for us and to grow into the freedom of children of God.